Friday, September 18, 2009

Day 20: Do you have people around you who want you to fail?

Today is a rest day, so I get to be philosophical (did I spell that right?  "fillohsawfickle") in order to have something to post here.   The topic for today is:  Do you have people around you who want you to fail?  I'm specifically referring to training and/or weight loss, but it can really be anything. 

And for me, it is.  I know a person who (for whom?  my grammar is broken today) clearly would be happy if I fail in whatever endeavor I undertake.  I try not to share my endeavors with this person, but I work in an office of only two other people in the middle of suburbia and dammit, I need some human interaction during the day.  So, cilley me, I tend to have conversations with this person.  Yesterday I inadvertently revealed something that led to me confessing that I have been getting up early and running four days a week for the past three weeks.  Gah.  I'm sure I visibly winced, because I know I was on the inside.

This led to a barrage of questions, which I reluctantly answered:  What?  You ran this morning?  You've been doing this more than once?  What time?  For how long?  Have you had any results from this?  Have you lost any weight?  Why are you doing this?

See, that last one is the kicker.  I haven't told many people in my "real" world that I'm doing this.  I actually don't have that many physical friends and family as it is.  (A good chunk of my friends are people I've "known" since I first got on the internet around 1993.  Many I've met in person, but there are many I have not, yet I consider them very good friends.)  I've told my best friend here in town and her husband that I'm doing the training, but they are the only ones who know why (the marathon thing) because I know they will support me in whatever I do.  My mom knows I'm running, but not the why.  Other than that, it's just you folks here.

I definitely did not want to tell this person.  I could only imagine how that would play out.  I just got asked the "did you run this morning?" question a few minutes ago.  And maybe I'm being overly sensitive (wouldn't be the first time) but I got the impression this person was really hoping I'd say no.  Now, I did say no, but that's because it's a rest day, which I told this person.  This person seemed disappointed to me.  We went through this whole routine when I was actively trying to lose weight last year (I lost about 20 lbs).   I don't drink alcohol much anymore for a variety of reasons yet this person is constantly trying to get me to drink.  Now, part of the time I would say yes except that lunch was several hours ago and I'd rather not have any liquor on an empty stomach.  Most of the time, though, I just don't feel like drinking.  I had one beer (the same beer) in my fridge for something like two years.  Just never felt like having it. 

Anyhow, my cilley readers, do you have people in your life like this?  Someone that professes to support you but really wants you to bomb -- even if they don't consciously know they're doing that?  How do you deal with it?   I'd like to know.  I find it easier to undertake some things privately.  I know a lot of people mean well but I find that being asked how it's going, have I lost any weight, etc., makes me less inclined to stick with it.  As though it verbalizes my own self doubts and makes them that much harder to resist.

Heavy thoughts for a Friday, eh?  Okay, here's something lighter:  Tomorrow I plan to try out a real running route rather than the local track.  Sixty minutes is my training time and the weather is supposed to be beautiful such that I can't imagine just going in circles for an hour.  I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow.

the CilleyGirl

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