I was up for about an hour this morning before I figured out that it was still Wednesday and not Thursday. Bah.
The past week or so, I've been going through what I thought was a major depressive episode. As you know, I am clinically and chronically depressed. I expect to be on depression meds for the rest of my life, and I am very okay with that. The alternatively really and truly sucks. At my very worst, my perception of the world had narrowed down to a tiny pinpoint of light surrounded by blackness. I do not want to go back there, ever.
Consequently, I pay attention to not only the things I think but the things I do. Or don't do, as the case may be; one major warning flag of depression is losing interest in the things you typically enjoy doing. For me, that has been reading a book or watching TV. If I don't want to read a book or watch TV, there is usually a problem. Eventually, I also get annoyed with the need to eat, and to shower and get dressed every day. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it, but mostly it's a huge feeling of BLAH and the feeling that there are endless days of BLAH stretching out before you. When this feeling gets stronger, this is where suicidal ideology comes into play in depressives. (I'm not suicidal though, don't worry. I was once, and that's what sent me to a therapist so I know when those ideas are knocking about in my head.)
Anyhow, this has been my week to ten days. It started when my leg went all wonky and I've been worried about the prospect of having to sit out Eugene. Throw in money issues and several stressful days at work and a headache that won't quit, and functioning at all has been a struggle. All I want to do lately is sleep. I'd rather sleep than read or watch TV or eat or do just about anything.
But -- and this is a big but -- as I looked in the mirror this morning trying to gauge where my head was at and whether maybe I needed to call my doctor about boosting my meds, I realized that I actually felt kind of sucky before the leg thing. I'm also not one (not anymore at least) to worry about stuff that is unresolved or that is out of my control. I also felt sucky before the money issues. Work is always stressful and it hadn't really been all that stressful to tell the truth. The headache, though, the headache was there the whole time. I've gotten up the past several mornings with the intention of running to see how the leg does and it's been the character of the headache (that pulsing behind the eyes, that you know will get worse if you exert yourself while you have it) that has gotten me back into bed, not my leg. I've hit the snooze alarm more lately than I ever have, due to the headaches.
And no, it's not a brain tumor. It's a freaking sinus infection. A bad one. Looking back, I've wanted to read a book but I've been too tired and I went to bed instead. Same with TV. Same with dinner; as soon as I eat, I can go to bed. I just didn't realize it was my sinuses because (1) I've been doing better in that regard and (2) my usual modus operandi is to ignore the damn things and they either go away or get so bad I think I'm having a depressive episode.
So I called the allergist this morning and I go in tomorrow, hopefully to leave with some big honkin' antibiotics and get myself to feeling better. Now that have a plan, I feel a lot better mentally. Physically, I'm still sniffling and my leg is still iffy, but I think the perky feeling will stay with me until this evening when I can revamp the remainder of my marathon training schedule. I need to get at least one of the two 18-mile runs in before Eugene, if only for the physical conditioning part of it all. I still have a half-marathon coming up in there as well.
It is good to have a plan, isn't it?