But lately I ask this question of myself: "Self*, vat do you vant?" Because I need to shit or get off the pot in terms of my health. The knee-jerk reaction, the one most everyone gives when asked vat they vant, is to lose weight. Even Kate Moss wants to lose weight. Maybe she only thinks her kneecaps are fat, but there is something somewhere on that woman's body that she feels has the chub.
Many of you may be saying to yourself, "Self, I only vant to be healthy" and that's okay. That's kind of the PC answer, isn't it? Kate Moss just vants to be healthy too, but what she really means -- what we all tend to mean -- is that she vants to be healthy and if that means she has to lose weight in the ol' knees, so be it. That's my answer, too. Not the kneecaps thing, although I do have the knee chub, but that I vant to be healthy and that means I need to lose about 60 pounds so that I can get rid of my hypertension, and if it really means that I get slim enough to wear these awesome, sexy clothes in which other people (particularly members of the opposite sex) find me awesome and sexy, well, I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and adjust.
But what I really vant is to lose 60 pounds with no effort whatsoever on my part. And short of a tapeworm -- which would require my participation in some way, shape or form to get the tapeworm -- that's just not going to happen. No matter how much I close my eyes and wish upon a star and click my heels together and capture leprechauns to run them through a laundry press so that I can get squeeze every drop of luck out of the wee green bastards... Oh, is that last one just me? Forget I said anything then.
So, not going to happen. I have to actually put some work into it. It's so unfair.
First, I need a plan. That's kind of the easy part. Sticking to the plan, that's the tough one. What I need is something that sums up why I want to lose weight and get healthy more than I want to, say, go to Arby's. Or not keep my portion sizes reasonable. Or eradicate every fruit and vegetable from my home for weeks at a time.
What do you do? Do you have a mental picture in your head -- what is it? Do you snap a rubberband on your wrist -- bad kitty! Do you have a trigger phrase -- like "size six will mean more dicks"? Maybe I can use "Polka will never die" in my weight loss efforts. So far, that's the only mantra that has worked for me. Although the "size six" thing is kind of catchy. Hmmm...
- "Size twelve, stop eating elves."
- "Size ten, good way to begin."
- "Size eight, keep losing that weight."
Well, I'll keep working on my plan and I will share it with you all. Such is the power of the blogmistress -- muwahahahahahaha!! I'm trying to incorporate some of my tech toys (not like that, dirty!) into this as well, particularly on calories since the regular formulas never seem to work well for me. Then I have to shop and eat and run and sleep. Hey, on Ambien I can do all of those at the same time!
*My grandpa, before he started to slip away a bit from us all, said this all the time. "I said to myself, I said Self, it's time you do this." He's still doing pretty well (early onset Alzheimer's), but he's just not quite the same anymore and it's sad. So I'll do all the cool grandpa things for him.