Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Vat do you vant??

I ask this question rather frequently.  And in exactly that accent.  Most often, I am asking it of my dog, Cute But Stupid, as she is dashing back and forth from me to the kitchen.  "Vat do you vant?"  I like to test the theory of "dogs don't know what you're saying, it's just the tone of your voice" with CBS.  "Vat do you vant?  Do you want your head shaved?  Feet trimmed?  Go outside?  Are you hungry?"  And then I go with whatever question she dashes away from me on.  (It's typically the last two, in case you were wondering.  She's not that stupid.  Close, but not quite.  My friend's collie could distinguish between words that rhymed -- like he knew "slide" and "ride" were not the same -- so maybe I've set the bar a bit high.  Then again, maybe not.)

But lately I ask this question of myself:  "Self*, vat do you vant?"  Because I need to shit or get off the pot in terms of my health.  The knee-jerk reaction, the one most everyone gives when asked vat they vant, is to lose weight.   Even Kate Moss wants to lose weight.  Maybe she only thinks her kneecaps are fat, but there is something somewhere on that woman's body that she feels has the chub. 

Many of you may be saying to yourself, "Self, I only vant to be healthy" and that's okay.  That's kind of the PC answer, isn't it?  Kate Moss just vants to be healthy too, but what she really means -- what we all tend to mean -- is that she vants to be healthy and if that means she has to lose weight in the ol' knees, so be it.   That's my answer, too.  Not the kneecaps thing, although I do have the knee chub, but that I vant to be healthy and that means I need to lose about 60 pounds so that I can get rid of my hypertension, and if it really means that I get slim enough to wear these awesome, sexy clothes in which other people (particularly members of the opposite sex) find me awesome and sexy, well, I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and adjust. 

But what I really vant is to lose 60 pounds with no effort whatsoever on my part.  And short of a tapeworm -- which would require my participation in some way, shape or form to get the tapeworm -- that's just not going to happen.  No matter how much I close my eyes and wish upon a star and click my heels together and capture leprechauns to run them through a laundry press so that I can get squeeze every drop of luck out of the wee green bastards... Oh, is that last one just me?  Forget I said anything then.

So, not going to happen.  I have to actually put some work into it.  It's so unfair.

First, I need a plan.  That's kind of the easy part.  Sticking to the plan, that's the tough one.  What I need is something that sums up why I want to lose weight and get healthy more than I want to, say, go to Arby's.  Or not keep my portion sizes reasonable.  Or eradicate every fruit and vegetable from my home for weeks at a time. 

What do you do?  Do you have a mental picture in your head -- what is it?  Do you snap a rubberband on your wrist -- bad kitty!  Do you have a trigger phrase -- like "size six will mean more dicks"?  Maybe I can use "Polka will never die" in my weight loss efforts.  So far, that's the only mantra that has worked for me.  Although the "size six" thing is kind of catchy.  Hmmm...
  • "Size twelve, stop eating elves."
  • "Size ten, good way to begin."
  • "Size eight, keep losing that weight."
Naw, just not as good as the naughty one.  And what isn't, really? 

Well, I'll keep working on my plan and I will share it with you all.  Such is the power of the blogmistress -- muwahahahahahaha!!  I'm trying to incorporate some of my tech toys (not like that, dirty!) into this as well, particularly on calories since the regular formulas never seem to work well for me.  Then I have to shop and eat and run and sleep.  Hey, on Ambien I can do all of those at the same time! 

the CilleyGirl

*My grandpa, before he started to slip away a bit from us all, said this all the time.  "I said to myself, I said Self, it's time you do this."  He's still doing pretty well (early onset Alzheimer's), but he's just not quite the same anymore and it's sad.  So I'll do all the cool grandpa things for him.


  1. Hey sweetie...as someone who has battled with their weight for their entire post-puberty life, I understand...but have no easy answers...if I did I would be on the talk show circuit hanging with Oprah and selling millions instead of sitting here in Amsterdam!

    Some things that do work for me though:
    - 'Thinspiration': pictures of myself from when I have weighed what I would like to weigh again...if it is possible once, it is possible again (in my head anyway!)Plaster them where you can see them often...computer screensavers and where you work out is a good one
    - Juices.....I make heaps of juices, fresh fruit and vegies. You can't taste the spinach and stuff once all the pineapple and frozen rasberries and blueberries go in....love a cleansing juice of apple, celery, fresh mint and ginger too....easy on the ginger at first though! Keeps you going and fills you up, plus lots of antioxidants and fiber...plus I add in heaps of water to make it go further and to fool my stupid self into drinking more water (I am bad at keeping hydrated!)
    - get cancer and/or major depression (worked wonders for me!) Just kidding!! Before anyone kills me, I am allowed to say that (cos it's true) ;oP
    - before you eat anything, ask yourself if this is going to taste as good as all of those dicks you are planning on having at size 6 hehehehehe
    - run, run, run...and do interval work (burns more calories for longer)
    - the main thing I do though (seriously) is think, time is going to pass one way or the other (if we are lucky) so each moment can either be bringing you closer to your goal or further away. In six months, would you rather be 60 pounds lighter to 60 pounds heavier? Either one is possible depending on the choices you make in each moment

    Good luck and I will be rooting for you all the way! Polka Your Ass OFF!! hehehe

  2. Thanks RG! I will definitely begin to implement some of your suggestions. Even the ones with liquid spinach. I just need to find a way to remember which choice I want to make when I'm in the moment making it.... that's always the hard part.