Monday, September 10, 2012


Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. 

Which is good timing as I am in a major depressive episode.

I've been trying to figure out what triggered it.  There are several candidates.

1.  Mourning the loss of MCM this year.  Overall I feel good about the decision to postpone -- it was the right thing to do -- but I still feel like kind of a failure.  Plus I wonder, will next year be different?  I want it to be different.  I always want that.  I don't get there.  I am sad.

2.  I went to see Jim Gaffigan in concert Saturday night.  For some reason, I noticed all the couples.  Couples couples everywhere.  I felt like the only single person in Keller Auditorium Saturday night.  Am I doomed to be alone?  I thought I didn't really care about that.  Do I care?  Do I?  Why do I?  A guy seems like a lot of work. 

3.  My good friend is getting married and I'm lucky to be one of her bridesmaids and I'm happy for them and about the upcoming wedding.  But I feel like a nightmare bridesmaid -- no strapless dresses!  No strapless bras!  No spaghetti straps!  Oh, and I don't wear heels either....  So not only do I feel like a shit friend -- it's all about her*, NOT me -- but then I wonder, is this why I'm single?   I don't dress all cute, I don't wear heels, I don't wear makeup but once in a blue moon.  I'm probably a shit person too.  And again, why do I care?  (About the single part, not about being a crap friend, that part bugs me.  A lot.)

4.  I don't want to do this legal research thing at the office.  Because it's just going to become a big pain in the ass and I'm tired of that drama.  There's something amorphous bothering me about work lately.  I don't know what it is.  I just don't want to be here very much lately. 

5.  I dreamed about my dog Maggie this weekend.  With the kitties, my dogs haven't been in my thoughts much lately and I feel guilty about that.  I miss my dogs very much.

6.  The appetite thing bothers me.  Do I just not care enough to eat?  So then I've been eating grains lately -- because, hey, who cares? -- and now my stomach is all torn up.  I'm eating poison on purpose.  Why don't I care more about that?  I should care. 

I don't know how to end this so I will just say,

the CilleyGirl

*I will suck it up and wear heels for the wedding.  But the bra thing, think of it this way:  Your wedding pictures will be SCARY if my boobs are down to my waist or spilling out over my dress and/or smacking me in the face. 


  1. Well have no worry on the shoe thing ... I feel like cute flats would be more comfortable for everybody. I mean who REALLY enjoys walking around Vegas or standing in a wedding in heels?? I know this girl doesn't want to!!!

    And I am 100% in favor of straps! I always see bridesmaids and it is like ALL the dresses are the SAME. NO straps at all. Same boring hair - the prom updo. Same everything. I want us all to be comfy in what we are wearing, and just Us! There is no way this chick is going to have her hair up and in some strange way. That's not me. So don't worry - I'll make sure we are all comfy and in our trusty bras!! ;)

    I keep randomly having dreams about my little Maltese that passed away a few years ago. I like dreaming about her, but then it makes me sad, too. It's like she's popping in to say Hi, but I want her here for real so I can pet her and keep spoiling her.

    Ha!!! OMG, I JUST saw your ** part of your post. Okay, IF we decide on heels, I still vote comfy flat shoes for the after. I want to dance and have fun and not worry about twisting my ankle! And side note, MF warned me that his mom will probably annoyingling pop in every once in a while trying to be involved and we are just supposed to ignore anything annoying. I already knew this would happen when she tried to offer up strapless bra advice!

    And now I'm talking about food. MF and I got lazy, and then my tummy felt it - inside and out. We enjoyed eating tots too much! ;) But what I also noticed was while the fun food was fun to eat, I always had tummy aches. And so I put us back on my "I am on the wedding diet and watching my cholesterol" thing - and my tummy isn't always hurting with the good food. So annoying, really. I just want pizza and tots, dammit!