As you know, I have an old dog. Well, I have two old dogs but only one is Cute But Stupid. As well as a big Pee-Butt, so dubbed because she's started to sleep so soundly through the night she doesn't wake up when she has to pee and instead....
She pees in my bed.
Ah, but last night was a new low for Pee-Butt. First, she leaked on the couch, as I found out when I managed to roust her off the couch to get her Pee-Butt outside to empty said Pee-Butt before we went up to bed. I had to kick her off the deck three times before she finally realized she was supposed to be out there peeing. Finally! It seemed safe to go to bed.
Or did it? I seem to recall Pee-Butt getting up some time during the night and letting herself out. That must have been when she reloaded. Because she then proceeded to pee in the bed. Not once, not twice, but -- from the size of the second wet spot (I caught the first one early and moved her Pee-Butt away from my head) I found her in this morning, THREE TIMES.
Three times a Pee-Butt.
Oh but wait, it gets better. Not only is my dog sleep peeing. No no. Now she's sleep POOPING.
IN MY BED.
Thankfully it is a big bed.
I noticed the big second wet spot when the alarm first went off. As I lay my head back down, I said "That better be a piece of beauty bark I just spotted by your leg."
I found two little tootsie rolls -- okay, JUMBO tootsie rolls -- next to my dog. One by her big ol' Pee-Butt, the other underneath her, of all places.
Words can not express how happy I am that (a) I shelled out big bucks for a fancy mattress pad when I got my new mattress because that sucker would stop nuclear waste from seeping through, and (b) I went with my instincts and did not put the freshly laundered down comforter back on the bed earlier this week. You know, after I washed it thanks to the last exciting adventures of Pee-Butt.
I also need to wash the kitchen area rug thanks to my other dog who has almost no feeling in her back end any more and consequently tends to leak during the night. But I can handle a rug.
I may need to insist on separate beds soon. Or else start sleeping in a wet suit. I think that would be easier than trying to diaper a geriatric dog.
"No, no, I'm wet because I was just in a stream. Really. I promise."